Seminary Recruiting Scandal Rocks Diocese

Image_Chris Watson   The USCCB’s crackdown on seminary recruiting corruption rocked the Archdiocese of Louisville Wednesday after head  of the Vocation Office was fired days after his seminary acknowledged  its part in a federal bribery investigation. According to the USCCB, an unnamed seminarian asked for $50,000 if seminaries wanted to secure his place in their diocese. Catholic media identified the player as Robin Carpenter, whom Supplication... Read More

Parishioners Refuse To Stand During The Our Father

  [News Brief] Catholics parishioners across the U.S. protested during the Our Father Sunday in defiance of Pope Francis, who said that parishioners who kneel during the “Lord’s Prayer” should be denied communion. Many parishioners sat, kneeled, or stayed inside restrooms during the recitation of the Our Father, with some pastors encouraging parishioners to express themselves. Demonstrations began Sunday when nearly two dozen parishioners of... Read More

USCCB Forbids Catholic Organizations From Creating Anything That Looks Even Remotely Close To Being In The Same Vicinity As Up-to-Date

  USCCB spokesman, Bishop Roger Belvedere confirmed this week that any Catholic organization attempting to make themselves appear current will be suppressed, as “anything that appears technologically modern is directly contrary to the Holy Spirit.” “Everything from websites to event flyers to marketing materials will be monitored and under careful scrutiny beginning this week,” Belvedere told the press. “In addition, we will soon begin the... Read More

Bloodied Sister Desperately Scrambling To Get Hold Of Phone Before Chainsaw Nun Arrives

Image-NicksSawMart   In the aftermath of seven unexplained murders at St. Therese Convent in Miami, Florida, local novitiate Sister Martha Mary is reportedly crawling toward a cell phone located just out of arms reach before the mysterious Chainsaw Nun gets to her. In an exclusive interview with EOTT moments ago, sources hiding in a closet filled with loose hanging pots and pans said that the sound of the chainsaw was getting ever closer to Sister... Read More

Francis Condemns Magnum Principium, Begins Saying Latin Mass After Hitting Head During Popemobile Accident

Image:Zebra48bo   Days after the Pontiff sustained injuries after hitting his head in a popemobile accident in Colombia, Pope Francis has now condemned his own motu proprio, Magnum Principium, allowing bishops’ conferences control over the translation of liturgical texts. Pope Francis had originally published the motu proprio, which shifted control over liturgical texts from Apostolic See to diocesan bishop, before hitting his head against a bar... Read More

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