Prisoners Break Free From Lunch With Pope To Return To Prison

Image_Michael Coghlan   Two prisoners in Bologna, Italy escaped during their lunch with Pope Francis yesterday, reportedly fleeing back to their jail cells after what they called a “harrowing experience.” The two inmates, who are serving time at a social reintegration facility in Castelfranco Emilia, told EOTT that, though the few bites of lasagna they ate before ditching the lunch were amazing, they just “couldn’t stomach” another minute... Read More

Knights of Columbus Changes Name to “Knights of Indigenous Peoples”

  Two months after ditching their ostrich-plume chapeaus, the Knights of Columbus continue their rebranding efforts by announcing the organization shall be henceforth known as the “Knights of Indigenous Peoples.” “This change distances us from that conquistador Columbus,” said Eric Jenkins, Commander of Assembly #4251 and one of nearly two-dozen millennial members nationwide.  “Everyone knows he was a racist.” “We’re not caving into... Read More

Man Clinging To Aisle Seat Like Grim Death

  A man in his late 50’s is clinging like grim death to the aisle seat and giving no signs of giving up his spot no matter the cost, several witnesses at Our Lady of the Rosary parish are reporting. The unidentified man, who reportedly showed up to church 20 minutes prior to the start of Mass, is said to not even stand when parishioners pass him. “I mean, I understand he wants the aisle seat—we all do—but at least stand up to let us through,”... Read More

Weird Sedevacantist Group Apparently Still Waiting for Messiah

  Telling those gathered at the annual Confederation of Ultra Traditionalists that they would not recognize the authority of the pope until he acknowledged that the Messiah has not yet arrived, members of SSPBC this afternoon announced new guidelines to help Catholics understand what it means to be in “full communion with the Church.” “We hope that these guidelines help illustrate that to be in full communion with the Church means to accept... Read More

Study Finds Wearing Mantilla Increases Confession Time By 2,500%

  New research published by Christendom College suggests that the wearing of a mantilla dramatically increases the wearers time spent in confession by up to 2,500%. The researchers stated that among the most important elements they studied was the amount of time spent confessing sins that were not actually sins, as well as past sins that, for some reason or another, they found necessary to confess again. “For some mysterious reason, the mantilla... Read More

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