Decades Of Voting For The Lesser Of Two Evils Really Raises The Bar

After countless decades of having no choice but to vote for the lesser of two evils, the 2020 Presidential campaign has finally succeeded in raising the bar. “I think both myself as well as my opponent, Vice President Biden, can be proud of what we accomplished on the stage tonight,” President Trump told reporters after last night’s debate. “We did a fantastic job in really raising the bar for all future candidates. And... Read More

New Evidence Suggests Israelites Called Moses A Sheep for Wearing Face Covering

Guest Writer: A.P. O’Connor Recent archaeological evidence suggests Moses was called a sheep by some Israelites for wearing a face covering. Archaeologists from the University of Notre Dame discovered ancient texts in a cave near Mount Sinai detailing how the Israelites reacted when seeing Moses cover his face with a veil. In Exodus 34: 29-35, Moses’ face became so radiant after being in the presence of the Lord that the Israelites... Read More

Church Adds New “Rite Of Gender Reveal” Ceremony

The USCCB issued a groundbreaking new rite Thursday morning that they are tentatively calling “The Rite of Gender Reveal.” A local couple currently awaiting the exciting revelation of their unborn’s gender said that it was a big step in spiritually legitimizing what has recently become an obnoxious and over-the-top event. “For a few years, people took videos of themselves popping balloons with blue or pink confetti falling out to reveal... Read More

Irritated Catholic Forced To Walk Over Sleeping Homeless Man While Praying At Abortion Clinic

Just an hour into his rosary at a Planned Parenthood near his home, local Catholic Alex Dennison was forced to endure repeatedly stepping over a sleeping homeless man who had inconveniently decided to sleep in his “mission territory.” “Geez–so frustrating,” Dennison told others gathered in prayer with him. “How the freaking hell are we supposed to focus on praying for Jesus to end abortion if idiots like this... Read More

Pandemic-Stricken World Braces For Another Francis Encyclical

Catholics from across the globe braced themselves Monday after sources inside the Vatican revealed that the Pope Francis was working on yet another encyclical. “Catholics should be preparing themselves,” one inside Vatican source told EOTT. “I cannot emphasize enough just how well prepared we need to be. With the sustained isolation many of us are going through because of Covid, I fear that some may have time to read the encyclical.” Desperate... Read More

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