Pontifical Swiss Guard To Remove “Pontifical” From Name
Image:gnuckx In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard announced this morning that it would begin defending leaders of other faiths for the first time in its long history. Beginning next month, the Pontifical Swiss Guard will be known as the Interreligious Swiss Guard. “Interreligious Swiss Guard perfectly represents the new, inclusive program to help protect Protestant pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders, including... Read More
Jason Evert Warns Against Premarital Speaking In New Talk To Teens
May 2, 2018 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
Prominent chastity speaker Jason Evert Monday morning warned students at St. Joseph Catholic High School against the temptation to speak to people of the opposite sex until marriage, saying it could lead to premarital sex. “It’s definitely a gateway to sex,” Evert told EOTT after the hour-long talk. “We need to not only stay away from near occasions of sin, but away from occasions that might lead us to occasions that will lead to other occasions... Read More
Badass Priest Hears Own Confession
March 7, 2018 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
According to several sources this week, well-known local badass priest Fr. Blaze Gunner heard his own confession. “Father Gunner is such a badass,” said longtime parishioner Debbie Ratner. “He bilocated once so that while he was delivering a homily, he could, at the same exact time also go outside and have a cigarette before putting it out on his tongue. The man’s a legend.” Ratner also told EOTT she had once witnessed the cool that is Fr. Blaze... Read More
Rad Trad Woman Just Wants A Good Man Who’s Willing To Wait Till Marriage Before Flagellating
March 6, 2018 by Admin
Filed under Libs & Trads
Local SSPV woman Deanna Russell confessed to friends late last night that all she wanted in life was a good and holy man who was willing to wait till marriage before flagellating his body. “I don’t know, call me old fashion, but I don’t wanna flagellate my body with just anyone,” she told friends as she sighed, longingly, at the thought of the day when she would share that sacred moment with her husband as both he and she scourged their bodies... Read More
Word On Fire Launches “Catholicism” DVD Box Set Into Space
February 7, 2018 by Admin
Filed under Parish Life
The most powerful rocket to leave Earth since Elon Musk’s Falcon Heavy launched from Des Plaines, Illinois this morning. The Fire On The Earth jumbo rocket, developed by flamboyant bishop Robert Barron, held a mannequin carrying a Catholicism DVD box set as it floated into space some time later. Real-time footage from the box set itself shows the series of epic DVD film highlighting the beauty and truth of the Catholic faith travelling at 24,500... Read More