TAC Alumnus Actually Seems Pretty Normal So Far, New Acquaintances Agree

  Local Thomas Aquinas College alumnus Marcus Donavon actually came across as being a surprisingly regular guy, new acquaintances of the graduate told EOTT just hours after meeting him. “Well, he was pretty normal until we found out that he was a TAC grad,” one new acquaintance, Kevin Purcell, told EOTT. “I mean, there wasn’t anything in particular that seemed off about him, except for the hipster European chain-smoker vibe he gave off. But... Read More

Novice Confronts Biggest Monk In Monastery To Establish His Spiritual Tough Guy Reputation

  Taking advice from a friend currently living in a monastery in France, local novice Kevin Emerson told EOTT that he planned to “make a move” on the monastery’s most notorious spiritual tough guy, Brother Don “Deus Vultage” Giancola, in an attempt to solidify his own reputation. “From what I hear, I can’t just stroll in like some home-school punk or they’ll devour you,” Everson said, as he practiced aggressively preaching about... Read More

Several Bishops Leaning Toward Allowing Divorced And Remarried Couples To Receive Chick-fil-A

Image:Sonny Abesamis   Several bishops from across the globe announced today that they are considering allowing divorced and remarried Catholics to receive Chick-fil-A. The bishops considering the controversial move of allowing those in invalid marriages to receive a chicken sandwich, though in the state of adultery, told the press that it should be left to a bishop’s discretion as to whether an individual is in a state of grace, and therefore, be... Read More

Disney Announces Star Wars Spinoff For Every Single Character And Extra

  Just weeks before the opening of 2018 Comic-Con in San Diego, California, Disney representative Douglas Hilty announced plans to expand the Star Wars universe by making standalone movies for every single character in the franchise. “It’s clear that anything with the words ‘Star Wars’ in the title will be a success,” Hilty told reporters. “People have called ‘Solo’ a disappointment, but we no longer like to judge movies based on whether... Read More

Atheist Blesses Sneezing Woman

Image:mcfarlandmo   Local atheist Thomas Winters has been accused of saying “Bless you” to a stranger who sneezed late Wednesday night, several sources are reporting. Friends of Winters say that at approximately 11:07 pm at Burger Club Lounge, Winters, a staunch atheist, blessed a man sitting at a table next to him, and then continued to bless him after each consecutive sneeze. Winters allegedly said “bless you” up to ten times as the stranger... Read More

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