“I Will Not Say A Single World” Pope Michael Tells Lineup Of Teddy Bears Holding Fake Tape Recorders

  Pope Michael Tuesday told a line of teddy bears dressed as reporters sitting on his bed that he will not respond to accusations that he knew about allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. The Pope told the teddy bears and one G.I Joe figurine that he had read the document but that he “will not say a single word on this.” “I must tell you sincerely that, I must say this, to you and all those who are interested—read the... Read More

Blase Cupich Denies Allegations He Is Sane

Image: Goat_Girl   Cardinal Blase Cupich responded to an anonymous letter earlier today accusing him of being sane. “To say that I am sane is insane,” the American cardinal said. “Yes, I admit it. What sane person would say that protecting the environment is a more important issue than the allegations levelled at the Pope? Seriously, what else would I have had to say to convince you that I’m a complete crackpot? Would I have needed to say that... Read More

Francis Practicing Emeritus Signature

  Mere days after former Vatican ambassador to the US, Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, alleged that the Pope was aware of sexual misconduct allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Francis is said to have been spending a large part of his day quietly trying out different new emeritus signatures in preparations for his upcoming retirement. “I hear you get a gold-plated watch,” Pope Francis whispered into the ear of one reporter in an attempt... Read More

New National Catholic Reporter Study Shows 99% More Catholics Attend Holy Day Of Obligation When Called Holy Day Of Opportunity

  A new study out today by the National Catholic Reporter Institute says that 99% of Catholics are more likely to attend Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation if it’s called a “Holy Day of Opportunity.” President of the institute Robert Donavan told EOTT that while it’s the same Mass and obligation, most people did not like being told what to do. “The fact is that if people believe that they’re being invited to, as opposed to forced to come... Read More

Frustrated New Priest Still Hasn’t Nailed Down Consecration

  Sadly admitting he had yet to figure out how other priests “did it,” newly ordained Fr. Christian Benson told EOTT this morning that he was still struggling with “the whole consecration part.” “I got the entrance and opening down, and I do a pretty decent job with the homily and all the rest, but the consecration, I don’t know…I just can’t grasp how to transubstantiate,” said Benson, who, at his most recent attempt at the consecration... Read More

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