Family To Withhold Weekly One Dollar Tithe Until They Receive Answers

  Longtime parishioners of Holy Cross Parish, the Keatons, have angrily informed their pastor that they will be withholding their weekly dollar donation until they “receive answers” from the Vatican. “So long as Pope Francis remains silent, we will not be donating!” the Keaton family told parishioners outside Holy Cross during Mass. “Think of it this way—his Holiness has already cost this parish close to three dollars. They’re clearly... Read More

Pastor Announces Winner Of Third Annual Most Irrelevant Parishioner Award

  Samuel Cummings last night was awarded this year’s Most Irrelevant Parishioner of the Year Award at St. Mary Magdalene Parish. Cummings, who had been nominated for the award for three consecutive years was finally given the prestigious award for his work in Gum Chewing And Overall Spiritual Apathy. Runner up, Tobias Garner, told EOTT that he was proud of Cummings, saying that he truly deserved the award for his work in Not Paying Attention... Read More

Francis Writes Emotional Letter To Nike Executives Thanking Them For Taking Spotlight Off Him

  Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives and the marketing team at Nike, thanking them with all his heart for “taking the heat off” him. According to a source close to the Holy Father, the letter, written in pencil and said to be smeared with what looks like the Pontiffs tears, repeatedly thanks the Nike team for “helping a brother out.” My Dearest Nike Team, the letter begins. Words cannot express the gratitude... Read More

Vacationing Catholic Family Excited To See What Liturgical Abuses Practiced In Visiting Parish

  Returning to his hometown with his family for the first time in over five years, Catholic family man Alex Trumble voiced his desire Saturday afternoon to trying out a new parish where he and his family could “get a taste of the local liturgical abuses practiced this side of the country.” “We’ve been to Folk Masses and Clown Masses back home, but I hear they have an interesting Buddhist themed Mass over here,” Trumble said of the rumors... Read More

Captain America, Iron Man Split Over Vigano Letter

  Iron man and Captain America have been seen fighting inside St. Peter’s Square this morning after witnesses say that the superheroes  had had a public falling out over the recent letter from Archbishop Viganó . “This is brother against brother” said the Captain, who is in full support of Pope Francis told EOTT this afternoon as he dodged a volley of beams. “Vigano’s allegations should not be given the time of day. Innocent until... Read More

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