Pope, Bishops Decide It’s Finally Time To Do Something About Sexual Abuse Crisis After YouTube Goes Offline

  Pope Francis and bishops from around the globe unanimously decided to actually try to do something about the sexual abuse crisis after YouTube went offline yesterday. “Now that we cannot simply sit around calling synods so that we look like we’re doing something while, in all actuality, we’re just watching videos of cats chasing lasers on YouTube, we, the Princes of the Church, in union with the successor of St. Peter, have decided that we... Read More

Color Blind Priest Having Trouble Doing The Red, Saying The Black

  Explaining his frustrations at not being able to properly do the red and say the black in his missal during Mass, local color blind priest Father Richard Wendell asked congregants to try as best as they can to just ignore him. “…quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, et opera strike breast three times, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa,” Wendell said aloud, realizing he had made yet another mistake as people began to murmur. “You gotta... Read More

Vatican Approves Construction of World’s Largest Bus To Throw Chinese Catholics Under

  The Vatican said this past weekend that it had reached an agreement with China on the process of constructing the “largest, most biggest ever” bus to throw Chinese Catholics under. The deal paves the way for bishops and laity who have been faithful to the Rome to be “royally screwed for their loyalty,” while rewarding bishops created without papal approval. “For Pope Francis, the construction of the mega bus has been one of his most ambitious... Read More

Local Parish Abandons Mass So As Not To Distract From Parishioners’ Conversations

  Local pastor Fr. Robert Dunn reported to his congregation in the parish newsletter this morning that beginning the week after Christmas, all Masses were to be replaced by an hour of “straight-up fellowship.” This news came as no shock to many of the parishioners who said that the Mass had been disintegrating for some time before the announcement was made official. “Oh yeah, we saw this coming a mile away,” said 43-year-old parishioner Jacob... Read More

Vatican To Allow Trump To Choose American Bishops

Image: Gage Skidmore   The Vatican’s recent agreement to give America say over bishop appointments has critics accusing the Church of caving in to the current administration’s pressure. Though the specifics of the deal announced Tuesday are unknown, Pope Francis said this morning that the agreement allows for a discussion with Donald Trump on the naming of bishops, but that ultimately the pope will decide. “The thing is done in dialogue,”... Read More

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