Newly Ordained Priest Probably Thinks He’s Some Sort Of Big Shot Now

  Explaining that his longtime friend Father Daniel Patros probably thought he was some sort of big shot or something like that ever since his ordination to the priesthood last week, Adam Rubin sat down with friends this morning to explain his frustrations. “I mean, simply based on what I’ve seen over the past week or so since Daniel was ordained, he definitely thinks he’s like this big shot now,” Rubin stated, explaining how ever since Patros... Read More

Church Band Plays ‘Baby Jesus’ To The Tune Of ‘Baby Shark’ During Communion

  Asking parishioners to turn to page 341 of their hymnals this past Sunday, lead cantor of St. Barbara Catholic Church asked everyone to “Please follow along as we sing ‘Baby Jesus’ to the tune of ‘Baby Shark,’” in keeping with the Christmas spirit. “After some debate two weeks ago, we decided that, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, we ought to sing ‘Baby Jesus’ as we have been doing during communion, but this time, to the... Read More

Local Christian Still Pretty Hopeful Abortion Soon To Be Banned After Brett Kavanaugh Sides With Planned Parenthood

  Telling fellow parishioners that even though Brett Kavanaugh for some reason decided to side with liberals in declining to hear a case that could have allowed states to defund Planned Parenthood, local Christian Randal Miller confirmed that he was still hopeful that the new justice was just the man to finally put an end to abortion. “I don’t know, I guess I just have trust in God and his new administration,” Miller told fellow parishioners... Read More

Study: 92% Of Single Catholics Stop Praying For Spouse Mere Seconds Before God Would Have Answered Their Prayer

  In a new study published today by The League Of Single Catholics, nearly 93% of all Catholics quit praying for a spouse, or show signs of doubt in God’s love, just seconds before He would have given them the man or woman of their dreams. Head of the study Robin Longwood said that more than nine out of ten single Catholics decide to stop praying either because they’ve been praying for someone to love for years and are ready to give up, or... Read More

Vatican Announces New Three-Strikes Excommunication Policy

  The Vatican has announced today that beginning next year, a new three-strikes excommunication policy will take effect. The new three-strike policy would automatically excommunicate anyone found guilty of having committed three mortal sins. “We are mandating this new policy because we have found that too many Catholics are either committing the same sins over and over again because they know they can simply come to confession right after, or because... Read More

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