Local Man Pretty Confident He Just Scored A Relic Of St. Michael the Archangel

  Gazing in compete awe and wonder, local Catholic Herbert Shepherd was reportedly astonished Tuesday after finding what he believed to be a first class relic of St. Michael the Archangel while sitting on a park bench. “I was sitting, eating my lunch and minding my own business when, what should fall from the sky and land beside me—a white feather.” Shepherd told EOTT, adding that he remembered a flock of birds flying above him as he dropped... Read More

Study: Yes, God Loves You, But That Doesn’t Necessarily Mean He Likes You

  Confirming the centuries-old belief that God, for some weird reason, loves everyone, researchers at the Vatican said this morning that they now believe that that fact does not necessarily mean that he likes everyone. “Our latest data proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are a ton of pricks out there,” said lead researcher Dr. Luigi Antonello, adding that researchers found that there was seriously no way in the world that anyone, even... Read More

Mexican President Obrador Calls For Border Wall To Help Keep Out Drunk College Students From Entering Country During Spring Break

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador took to national television Tuesday night in his battle over his proposed border wall to keep out drunk college students from the country during spring break. Describing the situation at places like Cabo San Lucas and Puerto Vallarta during the months of February and April as a “growing crisis,” Obrador urged Congress to give him close to $97 billion pesos to keep out “undesirables.” “This... Read More

Report: God Cares More About Your Team Winning Than Anything Else In The World

  A team of the most renowned theologians in the world gathered in Hamburg, Germany this week to discuss the importance of your favorite team as it relates to God’s plan for humanity have confirmed that the Lord does, in fact, care about nothing more than your team winning the big game. The report stated that prayers said to God for your favorite team to absolutely decimate the other team in this week’s big match up was the most important thing... Read More

Nancy Pelosi Named Speaker Of The Church

Image: Gage Skidmore   Nancy Pelosi became the most powerful person in the Catholic Church today as she was elected Speaker of the Church in America. The Catholic democrat vowed to “reach across the pews and across the divisions in this great Church.” “American Catholics want a Church that delivers results for the people, even if those results are completely at odds with Church teaching they have heard in the past,” Pelosi said with gavel in... Read More

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