Marie Kondo Helps Tidy Up Vatican; Gets Rid Of All But Five Bishops
Telling reporters that he brought in famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo to help consolidate and clean up the Vatican, Pope Francis Thursday said that he was now feeling “much better” after decluttering the city-state of all but five of bishops. “Most homes have a few years, maybe a decade’s worth, of clutter to get rid of, but here at the Vatican, we have 2,000 years’ worth of stuff that’s just been lying around,” Francis... Read More
Nancy Pelosi Recites Her Favorite Bible Verse: “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”
Image: Gage Skidmore House Speaker Nancy Pelosi quoted her favorite Bible verse while speaking to a group of university students last week, saying that the verse that most speaks to her is “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Though Pelosi admitted that she has been unsuccessful in her search for the verse in the Bible, she claimed that it was definitely somewhere in there, “most likely in Isaiah or somewhere like that.” “It’s... Read More
Cardinal Dolan, Pope Francis Can’t Seem To Find A Case For Excommunicating Andrew Cuomo
Image: Pat Arnow Conceding that, though the Catholic Church would no longer tolerate blasphemous and heretical decisions made by Catholic politicians, both Cardinal Timothy Dolan and Pope Francis confirmed Thursday that they couldn’t, for the life of them, find a single reason to excommunicate Governor Andrew Cuomo a day after he signed a bill that allows abortions up to the final day of pregnancy. “Oh, it’s not for a lack of trying,” Dolan... Read More
World Must Choose Between Excommunicating And Canonizing Covington Teens, With No Other Options
Students from Covington Catholic high school located in Kentucky became the center of attention this week after video of the students appeared to show some mocking a Native American activist on the steps of Lincoln Memorial. But early yesterday, new videos of the incident began to emerge, changing the narrative for many, and having people around the world questioning the essential question of whether the teens should be canonized or whether... Read More
Gillette Introduces New ‘Tampons For Him’
Just days after stirring up controversy with an ad attempting to cure toxic masculinity, Gillette today introduced its newest product, ‘Tampons for Him.’ “With our new product, even the most masculine of men will now have a discreet way of tempering the poisonous manliness that they often feel,” said Assistant Gillette Spokesman Alexander Dowgray, adding that the new tampons will help contain the “flow” of the venomous masculinity is inside... Read More