Francis After First Day At Sex Abuse Summit: “We Figured It All Out. Thanks For Your Concern, But You Can Leave Us Alone Now”

Hours after the first day of the Vatican Sex Abuse Summit concluded yesterday, Pope Francis stood before close to 200 participants and a small gathering of reporters and announced that “all went well,” before going on to tell everyone that they were “welcome to now leave.” “Thank you so very much for your concern,” Francis told reporters. “Honestly, it really means a lot that you’re here and reporting on this very important matter... Read More

Catholic Anti-Vaxxer Doesn’t Trust Doctors Of The Church

In response to criticisms from friends for her decision to not immunize her children from long-eradicated heresies, local Catholic anti-vaxxer Cheri Allen told EOTT this morning that, though the Doctors of the Church were entitled to their opinion, it was ultimately her right to choose by what means she would catechize her children. “Here’s the thing—I’m obviously not a Doctor of the Church, but I have read a lot about this online,... Read More

Man Disappointed After Witnessing Attractive Woman In Third Pew Holding Hands During Our Father

While visiting a new parish last Sunday, 24-year-old Dominic Newman reported seeing an attractive woman seated several pews ahead of him, whom he had been chastely eyeing as a potential wife. His quickly escalating dreams of marrying her and raising a good Catholic family were hopelessly dashed, though, after catching her in the disgraceful act of holding hands during the Our Father. “That was, to say the least, a huge let down,” Newman... Read More

Pope Michael Declares Emergency to Install Communion Rails

Pope Michael announced Friday that he was declaring a state of emergency to construct communion rails in all Catholic churches across the globe. Bypassing Pope Francis, Michael said he would use executive action “granted to him by God” to siphon money from the Knights of Columbus as well as Peter’s Pence to help pay for the rails, an aide said. Michael made the announcement from his rose garden as he claimed immigration of the laity moving... Read More

Cardinal Kasper Says Bible Spreads ‘Confusion’ And ‘Division’

Just days after Cardinal Müller published a “Manifesto of Faith,” which reiterated fundamental Catholic teachings in response to what he sees as growing confusion about the doctrine of the Faith, Cardinal Kasper has accused him of making “unacceptable blanket statements.” Kasper said that Müller’s Manifesto, that simply reaffirmed basic Catholic teaching found in the Bible and Catechism of the Catholic Church, was an attack on Pope... Read More

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