Pope Saving Ring Pop All For Himself Today

Recent footage of Pope Francis shows him repeatedly pulling his hand away from a line of people attempting to take a lick of his Ring Pop. The one-minute video of Pope Francis not allowing anyone a taste the strawberry flavor of the Ring Pop has drawn much controversy since it surfaced Monday, pitting conservatives against liberals. “He definitely understands the importance of the ring—how yummy it is,” said Jesuit priest Thomas Lovett.... Read More

Homeschool Mom Bribed Hundreds Of Dollars To Get Daughter Into Homeschool

Local mom Annette Bule allegedly paid close to $250 to fix her daughter’s entrance into homeschool. Bule is accused of paying a “fixer,” and close friend of her husband named Anthony Newman, to guarantee that her husband would agree to homeschool their daughter. Annette Bule, along with neighbor Kendell Betts, were among the 3 parents indicted at the conclusion of the Knights of Columbus investigation named “Big White Van.”... Read More

Idiot Middle Schooler Asks If She Can Pray For The Devil

After having been asked for the ninth consecutive week whether the devil could one day go to heaven “if he said sorry and acted good from now on,” local middle school teacher Janice Shiffman acknowledged Monday that she has clearly underestimated just how dumb some student questions can be at times. “The middler schooler in question constantly asks questions like whether she can pray for the devil, even though I’ve told... Read More

Local Man Giving Up For Lent

Telling friends that he had been considering “going big” for Lent for some time now, local parishioner Mike Harvey confirmed Wednesday that he was finally ready to commit to giving up for Lent. “Usually, I just give up something lame like sweets or coffee, but by the time Easter comes around, I never really feel like I’ve done enough,” said Harvey, adding that he knew a few friends who had given up for Lent and... Read More

Cohen Accuses Trump Of Not Being The Chivalrous Gentleman and Scholar Entire Nation Thinks He Is

Image: Gage Skidmore In devastating testimony on Capitol Hill earlier today, President Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen accused the president of a pattern unfit for the gentleman and scholar that the entire world believes him to be. “Everyone thinks he is this perfect, gallant, flawless man,” Cohen told congress in his opening statement. “And he might be close to it, but he does have some minor flaws, and that is... Read More

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