People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were preparing the Vatican report on the former cardinal, Theodore McCarrick. “What can we say, we’re doing our best,” one state official told the press as he placed a ballot down and counted one Mississippi , two Mississippi, three Mississippi, until finally reaching 20 and slowly reaching... Read More

God Miraculously Infuses Expert Knowledge Of Electoral Procedure Into Every American

Angels from the throne of God this morning announced that just hours after the 2020 presidential election began, God the father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, miraculously infused into every American genius level knowledge of the electoral procedure. “God, in his infinite wisdom, hath decided to give each American man and woman a Thomas Aquinas-like brain when it comes to all procedures that pertain to the presidential race,”... Read More

Local Voter Can’t Wait For Election To Be Over With So He Can Just Get Back To Rioting

After weeks of anticipation and boredom, voter Kendrick Anderson told EOTT that he was excited for Election Day to be over with so that he could finally get back to some normalcy after weeks of uncomfortable peace in his neighborhood. “This’ been a really stressful time in my life,” Anderson said as he took a small sip of his chardonnay. “It’s tough just having to sit here day in and day out knowing you can’t... Read More

Holy See Moves To Washington After America Declared Catholic Theocracy

Just hours after the United States was formally declared a Catholic theocracy, the Vatican announced Monday that the Holy See would be transferred to Washington, D.C. All Offices and personnel would relocate by the end of the year to help facilitate a peaceful transfer of power. Though many in the media anticipated the news that Catholicism would be the law of the land come Monday, it still came as a shock to some after Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed... Read More

Study: 85% Of Jesuits Doubt The Existence Of St. Ignatius

A new study from the Center for Belief in Washington, D.C. has found that 85% of Jesuits worldwide doubt the very existence of their founder, St. Ignatius of Loyola. The study, which simply asked priests in The Society of Jesus whether or not they believed that St. Ignatius, one of the most beloved saints in Church history, every existed, revealed that most not only did not believe he ever did exist, but that they had lost faith in him during seminary.... Read More

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