Missing Burke Found Alive After Getting Lost Inside Cappa Magna For Five Days

A desperate search for Cardinal Raymond Burke who went missing for two days in the below-zero cold of his cappa magna turned jubilant today when rescuers guided by cellphone signals and footprints in the snow found him alive near the backend of his overturned vestment.

About 300 parishioners had searched by land and air inside the cavernous terrain within his cappa magna after he failed to be recovered after acolytes tried to remove the vestment from him on Sunday.

“He stayed alive by building a shelter and scouring the ground beneath the cappa magna for food,” said Dennis Revere, head search-and-rescue coordinator for the case. “The land beneath his cappa magna is vast and desolate. It’s amazing he was found alive.”

Revere went on to say that after realizing he was lost, Burke was able to locate his cell phone, but was unfortunately unable to get any reception.  “His Eminence did not have blankets or extra food with him, but was able to huddle inside other vestments until he was successfully able to find shelter. We’re still not sure why he decided to paint his face black, or where he found the crossbow we found him with. Those are all questions we’ll have to find out when he’s released from the hospital.”

When Burke was asked why he had been found with a large knife between his teeth when he was rescued, Burke reportedly responded that he had seen things before staring out in the distance for some time.