Study: Every Large Catholic Family In The U.S. Has A “Bernadette”

Washington, DC––A new study out today has found that every Catholic family of seven or more children had at least one girl named “Bernadette.” The study put out by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops asked the 85 large Catholic families left in the United States for a list of their children’s names, and found that all 85 families had at least one “Bernadette.” “Along with one ‘Bernadette,’ 1 in 3 families had a ‘Therese,’ and 2 in 3 had a ‘John Paul,'” the head of the study, Monsignor Benjamin Clark, told EOTT. The study also found that of Catholic families with nine or more children, 2 in 3 had at least one child who wore a jean jumper that reached their feet, and a long-sleeved white shirt beneath it. “We also found an alarming trend that, with the popularity of ‘Bernadette’ in large Catholic families, many of these families were also beginning to name their children names such as ‘Soubirous’ and other awkward last names of saints such as ‘Pio.’ We predict that we will have our first ‘Of Lisieux,’ or ‘Pius X’ within the next ten years.” Clark went on to say that with the help of General Motors, they were able to find that 87% of large white vans sold in the U.S. were sold to these families. The other 13% were sold to people trafficking large quantities of cocaine across the U.S.-Mexico border.