“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report

YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing Catholics yesterday. “If we have to suffer and go, then you’re gonna suffer as we take your favorite weekly spot. You know which one…the one half way down the church on the outer aisle where you get that nice breeze; yeah…that one.” Citing their wives’ pointless and incessant insistence that they attend Christmas Mass, the nation’s nominal Catholics told Eye of the Tiber that it’s not like they want to take the good seats, “in fact,” they said, “the only seat we want are the ones on the edges of our couches,” but went on to explain that if they had to go, they might as well take your favorite seat, and, if possible, every other seat too, thereby forcing you to stand on one of the sides like an “idiot” as you awkwardly attempt to endure the stares of all those seated around you.