Young Family Of 8 Who Consistently Make It To Mass On Time Test Positive For Doping

The Sanderson family of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel parish become the second family to test positive for a banned substance at the 11:00 am morning Mass last month. But according to reports during the Sunday announcements, the substance involved was Opstreperezidine, a stimulant typically used to treat parents suffering from hearing the sound of “mom” and “dad” 500 times a day.

This comes just weeks after the Berry’s of St. Luke Parish were stripped of the eucharist after they tested positive for doping.

“I think we all knew that they were doping,” said one Our Lady of Mt. Carmel parishioner told EOTT. “We just didn’t wanna admit it. They’re such a lovely family, and to think they would do anything like this is disappointing, to say the least.”

Another parishioner told EOTT that the older Sanderson children could often be seen helping their parents with the “younger ones” during Mass.

“I mean, come on,” the anonymous parishioner said. “I have trouble with the three that I have. And they’re in college! To think that the Sanderson’s could not only have all those kids, but to make it to Mass–on time? And to top it off, have their children so well behaved? For goodness sake, they could’ve at least tried not to make it so obvious.”