Church Creates Guidelines For Proper Veneration Of Keanu Reeves

Earlier this week, the Congregation for the Causes of Saints issued new guidelines on the proper care, handling, and veneration of Keanu Reeves. The new instructions go into 90-pages of detail on how bishops are to handle Keanu Reeves when his body and soul are “on pilgrimage” within their territory.

Article 31: Keanu Reeves can be carried in pilgrimage to different places within the confines of the same diocese or eparchy. In such a case, the competent Bishop is to appoint a Guardian-Porter who is to accompany, or carry upon his shoulders, should he so desire, Keanu Reeves to the different places, and to tell him—avoiding at all costs not to bother him too much—what his/her favorite movie is.”

Article 32 goes on to read, “All those who take part in the procedures must first take an oath or promise to fulfil faithfully their task of being sweet to Keanu Reeves because he’s the sweetest person on the planet, and to maintain the secret of office. The competent Bishop can preside at the procedures personally or through a Priest who is his Delegate, so long as he’s doesn’t bother Keanu Reeves with picture or autograph requests.”

Below are a number of key guidelines and instruction:

After having obtained the Rescript of the consent of the Congregation, the Bishop or the Episcopal Delegate, the Notary and those charged with the technical aspects of the work are to go to the place where Keanu Reeves is resting. After having removed him from his location of rest, every possible care is to be taken to be sure that this is truly Keanu Reeves, and not an imposter or lookalike.

The Bishop or the Episcopal Delegate is to nominate a member of the Christian Faithful (priest, consecrated man/woman or layman/laywoman) as Guardian-Porter who will accompany Keanu Reeves for the entire extent of the pilgrimage, and to make sure he is comfortable and happy, because a world where Keanu Reeves is not comfortable and happy is not a world in which any of us want to live—and that’s a fact.

On the occasion of the pilgrimage of Keanu Reeves, the possibility of liturgical celebrations in his honor is granted by the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, for the individual churches in which he is displayed for the veneration of the faithful and for the days on which he remains.