Francis After First Day At Sex Abuse Summit: “We Figured It All Out. Thanks For Your Concern, But You Can Leave Us Alone Now”

Hours after the first day of the Vatican Sex Abuse Summit concluded yesterday, Pope Francis stood before close to 200 participants and a small gathering of reporters and announced that “all went well,” before going on to tell everyone that they were “welcome to now leave.”

“Thank you so very much for your concern,” Francis told reporters. “Honestly, it really means a lot that you’re here and reporting on this very important matter that we’re all taking super seriously as can be seen by this summit that we were not at all pressured to do, but did it because we care. But, after a full day of work on this matter—many hours, mind you—we’ve figured it all out. And it wasn’t even that hard too, I gotta be honest.”

The pope went on to exhort those in attendance to leave the Vatican and to please start focusing on other “crazy things going on in the world.”

“So what’s up with this whole Zion and his shoe blowing out thing? Crazy, right? You think he should stop playing until he gets into the NBA? You guys should totally focus on that and I’d totally be down to give you guys quotes and stuff if you guys wanted it.”

After being asked what steps the Vatican planned on taking to address sex abuse in the future, Francis said that the details were “rock solid” and that “this kinda thing won’t happen again.”

“Trust me, it’s super complicated and, to be honest, kinda tedious. I don’t wanna bore you and waste your time with the details. Just leave here knowing that it’s all figured out. Like, totally figured out.”