Catholic Anti-Vaxxer Doesn’t Trust Doctors Of The Church

In response to criticisms from friends for her decision to not immunize her children from long-eradicated heresies, local Catholic anti-vaxxer Cheri Allen told EOTT this morning that, though the Doctors of the Church were entitled to their opinion, it was ultimately her right to choose by what means she would catechize her children.

“Here’s the thing—I’m obviously not a Doctor of the Church, but I have read a lot about this online, so I definitely know a thing or two,” Allen said. “My eldest son was about fifteen when I began teaching him the works of Augustine, Bernard of Clairvaux, Teresa of Avila, and so on, and not long after, I caught him smoking a cigarette with a friend. A friend of mine said that she caught her daughter drinking an alcoholic beverage of some sort just days after she finished reading The Summa. Put two and two together. That’s really when it first dawned on me that they, the Doctors of the Church, were the cause of the devastating effects on the spiritual health of our youth who now smoke, drink, make out, and do many other bad things as well. Thanks, no thanks—I think I’ll stick to giving my children a healthy dose of Thomas. And I mean Thomas Merton. And not the pretty good Thomas Merton—I mean the Buddhist-Catholic fusion Thomas Merton.”