Pope Michael Declares Emergency to Install Communion Rails

Pope Michael announced Friday that he was declaring a state of emergency to construct communion rails in all Catholic churches across the globe.

Bypassing Pope Francis, Michael said he would use executive action “granted to him by God” to siphon money from the Knights of Columbus as well as Peter’s Pence to help pay for the rails, an aide said.

Michael made the announcement from his rose garden as he claimed immigration of the laity moving from the pews and into the sanctuary was “an invasion of Heaven.”

News that Michael would soon declare the emergency prompted condemnations from many liberals, as well as threats of lawsuits from several bishops who said that he was “abusing an authority that was not his to abuse.”

“Only Pope Francis has the right to abuse papal authority,” said an anonymous bishop. “This is an unlawful declaration over a crisis that does not exist. It does great violence to our new all-are-welcome-at-the-table style Church and makes Catholicism less welcoming.”