Vatican Announces New Three-Strikes Excommunication Policy

The Vatican has announced today that beginning next year, a new three-strikes excommunication policy will take effect.

The new three-strike policy would automatically excommunicate anyone found guilty of having committed three mortal sins.

“We are mandating this new policy because we have found that too many Catholics are either committing the same sins over and over again because they know they can simply come to confession right after, or because they simply aren’t afraid of the consequences,” said the Vatican Chief Confessions and Penance Czar Father Antonio Sabalette. “Once people know they’re just one lustful look at a woman or man away from eternal damnation without the possibility of Purgatory, we anticipate a strong decline in sinning.”

Sabalette went on to tell EOTT that with the new measures to curb sinning, four of the eight remaining functioning confessionals in the United States would be demolished to make room for more banner space.

“This is a good time in the Church. I feel happy knowing that the last remaining priests still hearing confessions in the U.S. will finally have free time on Saturdays from 3 to 3:30 to focus on other things like blogging.”