Loser Has Relic Of Some Saint No One Has Ever Heard Of

Admitting that it wasn’t the relic of a saint most people have ever heard of, 31-year-old Candice Price told friends Wednesday that her first class relic of St. Gaspar del Bufalo was, nevertheless, still just as important and powerful as ones of St. Therese and John Paul II.

“Seriously, guys, I can see that you’re all a bit underwhelmed, but believe me, you wanna get your hands on this,” said Price, placing the reliquary that contained the fragment of St. Gaspar del Bufalo on the dining room table for all to adore. “I know, I know, when I called you guys to come over to see the special new relic that I picked up in Rome, you were expecting Thomas Aquinas or Padre Pio, but this, in my opinion, is just as awesome—if not more.”

“Oh, wow, St. Gaspar?” said one friend, trying to make Price happy as she secretly googled the saint. “You mean thee St. Gaspar? As in St. Gaspar Melchior Balthazar del Bufalo? Born on January 6, 1786, died December 28, 1837, canonized by Pope Pius XII, and Feast celebrated on December 28^th? How the heck did you get our hands on that!”

“I understand, it’s a saint and that’s really great,” said friend of Price, Allison Barnes. “I guess it’s just that—when she called, she made it sound like it was gonna be Maria Goretti or someone like that. But then she pulled out St. Gasgar or Gaspar or whatever his or her name is. I felt bad cause she was really excited and was like ‘Guys—it’s a first class relic of St. Gaspar del freakin’ Bufalo.’”

At press time, Price is preparing to impress her friends by showing them her new second class relic of St. Augustine Huy Viet Phan.