New Ascension Press “Great Disappointment Catholic Bible” Includes Timeline Of All The Moments In Your Life That You’ve Failed God

The Great Disappointment Catholic Bible published by Ascension Press hit Catholic bookstores today, with thousands clamoring to get their hands on the brand new bible in hopes of learning a little more about where things began to spiral downward in their sinful lives.

The Great Disappointment Catholic Bible uses fun maps and charts, showing the reader exactly where they were, as well as how old they were, when they began to utterly fail God. Also included in the bible is a timeline of the 70 most sinful events in the reader’s life, in chronological order, with color coded tabs indicating which of the seven deadly sins was committed at a particular moment of life, making it easier and more fun for the reader to memorize their life’s worth of displeasing actions that will most assuredly land them in hell if they don’t confess their sins.

“With the fun, color-coded tabs, I can now easily keep track of all my spiritual defects!” said one Amazon reviewer. “And I seriously can’t wait for bible study now!”

“I know so many Catholics who pick up a bible and feel like they just can’t connect,” said blogger Randal Kemp. “Most say that they don’t know what God is trying to tell them. But with the new Great Disappointment Catholic Bible, they know exactly what he’s telling them: that they’ve utterly failed him up to this point, and in so doing, failed all their loved ones, and everyone who has every cared about them.”