USCCB Approves New ‘The Word On The Street’ Translation Of The Lord Of The Rings

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that they have officially approved a new “The Word on the Street” translation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.

“Our aim is not only to get this wonderful classic into the hands of the youth, but to have them fully understand what Tolkien’s words actually mean,” USCCB spokesman Jeffrey Kerrigan said in a press conference earlier this afternoon. “It’s not enough to simply recite phrases from the book before dinner—we need to get to the heart of the matter, so to speak. We need the words of Tolkien to enter into our hearts, but to do that, we must first understand them.”

One such translation that is causing controversy is the line “You cannot pass,” which has been translated to “You ain’t getting through.”

The new translation, which paraphrases key LOTR stories using modern language, is being ridiculed by many fans of the work who say that it cheapens the “greatest fantasy work of all time.”

“We shouldn’t bring The Lord of the Rings down to our level just because we’re too stupid to understand it, but rather, raise ourselves to the standards set by Tolkien’s writing,” longtime LOTR fan Miles Chen told EOTT. “I’ve personally read the series in the original English. And I think that’s one of the ways to properly read Lord. But I also pray and practice lectio divina. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t just pick up the series and read. Read, meditate, pray, contemplate. That’s how you properly read it.”

Other controversial lines are “It is not the strength of the body, but the strength of the spirit,” being translated to “All that CrossFit crap is worth nothing—especially if ya’ll you don’t get down on them knees and pray once in a while,” as well as Sam Gamgee’s famous words, “There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo…and it’s worth fighting for,” now changed to “There are some good priests in the Church, Fro… so, dammit, don’t go leaving the Church cause of all this crap.”