Pastor Announces Winner Of Third Annual Most Irrelevant Parishioner Award

Samuel Cummings last night was awarded this year’s Most Irrelevant Parishioner of the Year Award at St. Mary Magdalene Parish.

Cummings, who had been nominated for the award for three consecutive years was finally given the prestigious award for his work in Gum Chewing And Overall Spiritual Apathy.

Runner up, Tobias Garner, told EOTT that he was proud of Cummings, saying that he truly deserved the award for his work in Not Paying Attention Or Giving A Crap At All About Anything, But His Fantasy Football Team.

“Especially after last year’s snub, this was definitely redemption. He only attended maybe four or five Masses last year, and spent most of the time making last minute adjustments to his fantasy team.”

The president of the nominating committee Candice Danza said last year that Cummings had not been nominated due to the fact that although he spent most of his time on his phone, the fact that he made it to several Masses during football season excluded him from the nomination, especially with much stronger contenders for the award at the time.

“But this year Cummings came strong,” Danza said. “Mr. Cummings was not only up for the coveted Most Irrelevant Parishioner Of The Year award, but racked up three other awards; Outstanding Performance For A Father Setting A Bad Example, Business Man Pretending He’s Getting A Very Important Call And Not Returning To His Seat Until Communion, and Best Lazy Costuming for his work in The Christmas Mass where he wore shorts, a tank top, and flip flops.”