Francis Writes Emotional Letter To Nike Executives Thanking Them For Taking Spotlight Off Him

Pope Francis has reportedly sent an emotional letter to executives and the marketing team at Nike, thanking them with all his heart for “taking the heat off” him.

According to a source close to the Holy Father, the letter, written in pencil and said to be smeared with what looks like the Pontiffs tears, repeatedly thanks the Nike team for “helping a brother out.”

My Dearest Nike Team, the letter begins. Words cannot express the gratitude that I have for what you have unintentionally done for me. Over the course of the past two weeks, I have done all I could to relieve the pressure that assailed me. I told reporters that I would not say a word regarding situations facing the Catholic Church, though I tend to speak about anything and everything. I attempted to change the subject by talking about how plastic straws are the real emergency facing the world LMAO. But alas, nothing was working…until you decided to promote a controversial American athlete. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

 The letter reportedly goes on to say that he would be happy to endorse Nike and have them be the official pontifical shoe “if Nike executives and the Board of Directors found him worthy.”

Pope Francis concludes the letter by simply begging Nike to continue the ads until Catholics and members of the media forget about “this whole scandal thingy.”