Pope Francis Declares Death Unacceptable In All Cases

Pope Francis decreed yesterday that death is “inadmissible” under all circumstances and that the Catholic Church should attempt to abolish it.

The change has been hailed by anti-death activists and rejected by Francis critics, who said he had no right to change the consequences of original sin.

A spokesman for the Vatican told EOTT early this morning that Francis had amended the Catechism of the Catholic Church to say that death can never be sanctioned because it constitutes an “attack” on the dignity of human beings, and that the Church teaches, “in the light of the Gospel, that death is inadmissible because it is an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person, and she works with determination for its abolition worldwide.”

From the beginning of his pontificate, Francis began urging world leaders to abolish the permanent ending of the vital processes in cells and tissue, stressing that the innocent and guilty alike were both deserving of dignity, and therefore, not ever having to die.

“Think of Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire,” The Catechism of the Catholic Church now reads. “First, he’s living in like France or New Orleans (I forget which) as a normal person. But then Tom Cruise bites him and gives him the choice he never got and he takes it, remember that part? And so he becomes a vampire and a bunch of crap happens, and by the end of the movie, he’s in modern day America having seen so much stuff over the centuries, which is kinda like begin godlike, an imitation of Christ if you will, even though he did some bad things himself that could’ve easily landed him in jail and death row–I haven’t thought this all through yet, but this whole vampire angle will definitely be updated again and again in the Catechism until I’ve thought it through.”

At press time, Pope Francis is daydreaming during his weekly Vatican all-staff  meeting about how sad that one part is when Brad Pitt realizes that those French vampires are up to something and ends up finding Kristen Dunst and that random woman Dunst likes turned to ash because of the sun.