Novice Confronts Biggest Monk In Monastery To Establish His Spiritual Tough Guy Reputation

Taking advice from a friend currently living in a monastery in France, local novice Kevin Emerson told EOTT that he planned to “make a move” on the monastery’s most notorious spiritual tough guy, Brother Don “Deus Vultage” Giancola, in an attempt to solidify his own reputation.

“From what I hear, I can’t just stroll in like some home-school punk or they’ll devour you,” Everson said, as he practiced aggressively preaching about the superiority of the Latin Mass with a stern look on his face. “Ideally, you really wanna know some guys on the inside, but I don’t got that, so my goal right now is to spiritually bash this guy’s face in with my liturgical knowledge so that no one tries to step up and homilies me while I’m sleeping, you understand?”

Emerson went on to say that, though he understands the potential consequences of confronting Giancola with inflammatory remarks regarding Pope Francis, he really has no choice.

“Doesn’t matter how big he is. You shank a guy with the love of Jesus Christ, and pound him over and over again with God’s love, and you’ll watch the man beg for mercy.”

At press time, Emerson has been taken to solitary confinement in the adoration chapel.