Badass Priest Hears Own Confession

According to several sources this week, well-known local badass priest Fr. Blaze Gunner heard his own confession.

“Father Gunner is such a badass,” said longtime parishioner Debbie Ratner. “He bilocated once so that while he was delivering a homily, he could, at the same exact time also go outside and have a cigarette before putting it out on his tongue. The man’s a legend.”

Ratner also told EOTT she had once witnessed the cool that is Fr. Blaze Gunner after having trouble with a vending machine in the church hall.

“The machine ate my dollar and wouldn’t give me the Pepsi I wanted. As I was there pressing the button over and over again, Fr. Gunner walked by, blessed the machine and hit it with the side of his fist. A bottle of Jameson came out.”

Another witness to how epic Gunner is, Greg Thomas, told a story about Gunner’s conversion to Christianity, saying, “Now I wasn’t there to see this, but the story goes that he actually baptized, confirmed, and gave himself first communion.”

Other witnesses say that “you can always find Fr. Gunner just hanging out near the quad parish” when another priest is saying Mass.

“He’s always there, wearing his cassock, leather jacket, and sunglasses, leaning back on a tree, and snapping his fingers to the rhythm of his heart,” said 24-year-old Tory Brown. “Sometimes he’ll be polishing his Harley with his sleeve and sense you walking by and he’ll call you and tell you your sins and then forgive you for them. And when you ask what your penance is, he’ll just say, ‘Don’t worry, I already did it for you.’”

At press time, Gunner has just appointed himself Bishop of Rome.