Disgruntled Parishioner Vows To Halt Weekly $1 Donation Until Church Accepts Female Priests

Disgruntled Parishioner of St. Agatha Catholic Church James Fitzgerald reported yesterday that he would hence for no longer financial assist the church with his customary weekly one dollar contribution until the Church begins to allow women to become priests.

63-year-old Fitzgerald, who considers himself a “feminist at heart,” told St. Agatha pastor Fr. Timothy Reynolds that he could no longer stand by and watch an outdated institution continue to suppress women.

“I pulled out this pretty boy and told him to say goodbye to it and many of its friends,” Fitzgerald said, pulling out a crumpled up one dollar bill from his pocket to show Reynolds what he would be missing out on. “Just wanted to show him that I meant business.”

Fitzgerald also told Fr. Reynolds that he also knew “quite a number” of other high level one dollar donors that he could easily call upon to also withdraw they contributions.

“I know James pretty well,” Reynolds told EOTT. “He’s a man of his word. And when he told me that we could no longer count on his four dollars a month, I knew we were in big trouble. Rainbow polyester vestments don’t grow on trees, you know? And with the utility bills and all the other bills we have to pay, we just would never be able to make it without that dollar. Frankly, if the Church doesn’t begin to ordain women and fast, St. Agatha’s is, pardon my language, completely effed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I briefed His Holiness about the situation late last night, and his private jet has just arrived to pick me up for an emergency meeting on how to handle the situation.”