Pope Warns Warmongers One Last Time Before Unleashing His Vengeance

Image: Andrew Hermiz

After celebrating the Feast of All Souls Day last week, Pope Francis took to the mic to warn humanity “one last time” that the only fruit yielded by conflict is death by his hands.

Using the occasion to remind those gathered that he had “nothing to lose, but the chance for sweet justice,” Francis said he chose to recently visit a cemetery in Nettuno, Italy as a sign that crossing his path meant certain death.

Speaking directly to the camera this morning, Francis issued a stern warning to warmongers, saying in part, “Let this be a warning—I may be going to hell. I sent many deserving warmongers to their doom. I have no regrets. They’ll be waiting for me. When I arrive, they’ll wish God had sent me to heaven.”

After having been asked by the Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Luis Francisco Ladaria Ferrer, why he needed to use a gun to accomplish his mission, Francis, having just put out a cigarette on his bare tongue, said, “Because you shouldn’t play with knives.”

At press time, His Holiness has just issued a two sentence-long motu proprio, which reads, “Holy ones suffer, and the warmonger must be punished. My Battlefield symbols aren’t white and yellow—they’re blood red and personal.”