Study Finds Wearing Mantilla Increases Confession Time By 2,500%

New research published by Christendom College suggests that the wearing of a mantilla dramatically increases the wearers time spent in confession by up to 2,500%.

The researchers stated that among the most important elements they studied was the amount of time spent confessing sins that were not actually sins, as well as past sins that, for some reason or another, they found necessary to confess again.

“For some mysterious reason, the mantilla is able to open the memory bank of the person wearing it, and by some transcendent way, is able to  help a penitent remember things that they had done 20 or 30 years ago,” said lead researcher Brandon White. “It’s quite remarkable. We don’t often think of magical objects existing in the world, but this is proof that they do exist.”

The study’s findings suggest that removing the mantilla decreases one’s ability to remember a multitude of sins, as well as giving the wearer the ability to forgive themselves those sins that, up till now, have not fully been able to be forgiven.

“If I was a confessor, I would tell those suffering with major scrupulosity to remove the mantilla from their heads at least once when inside church, even for just a minute. This will allow them a brief moment to breathe before placing it back on their head and dwelling on whether or not this or that thing they did or said was actually a sin. Or I’d just tell them to take a Xanax.”

White went on to urge patience for those Catholics waiting in line for confession behind a person wearing a mantilla, or to simply attempt to remove the mantilla from their head without them noticing.