White Supremacist Catholic Really Hoping That Heaven Is Segregated

Cradle Catholic and longtime white supremacist Jacob Baton told those gathered at a local rally Monday that he was really hoping, though pretty darn sure, that heaven was segregated.

The 43-year-old father of five said that the thought came to him as he was in line to receive communion yesterday.

“I was thinking about how if logic prevails, as well as justice, races would have to be segregated in heaven. I mean, I’m not saying that I don’t think blacks should have the same opportunities to be redeemed as I do, it’s just that I don’t want them in my heaven. Also, while I’m at it, I’d really appreciate it if people stopped asking me to pray to black saints—is that so bad? ”

Baton went on to explain how Dante described paradise using several different circles separating classes of angels, “essentially segregating them from one another,”  to describe heaven, and how it made sense to make sure “the whites” had their section to praise God, and “the blacks” had their section to praise God.

“Neither the Catechism of the Catholic Church nor any of the works of St. Thomas talk about white and African American souls having to worship next to each other for all of eternity,” Baton said as he ironed his Confederate flag. “Again, I’m not an extremist. All I wanna do is make sure that heaven is as great as I think it’s gonna be, and that if it’s not, to pray that God makes heaven great again before I get there.”