Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering Heaven

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[News Brief]

A new letter to Catholic bishops this week from the Vatican has sparked outrage from gluten-free Catholics who learned that they cannot attain salvation no matter how holy they are.

The announcement drew criticism from many in the Church, though the letter simply reaffirmed a centuries-old teaching stating that gluten-free Catholics are not in full communion with the Church, and are therefore cut off from the saving grace of the Lord.

Executive Assistant to the Director of the Secretariat of Divine Worship Reverend Toby Townsend said that, though gluten-free Catholics could not in fact attain salvation, that it does not mean they will “necessarily be damned.”

“Everyone needs to just calm the heck down,” Townsend said in a statement. “This does not mean that they are going to hell. The outrage is completely disproportionate to the spirit of the law, which is a simple reminder that after death, they may be going to some sort of a limbo. At best.”

Townsend went on to remind Catholics that none of the disciples present at the Last Supper were gluten-free, and that if one of them was, it would’ve most likely have been Judas.