Altar Boy with Napkin May Have Missed Germ Or Two During Veneration

An altar boy is under investigation this week after several sources at St. John the Baptist Catholic Church reported witnessing a “mark” that looked “a lot like lipstick” left on the crucifix that was being used for veneration during Good Friday services.

According to an altar boy who was assisting the young man, pressure was unlike anything he’s witnessed in his tenure as Second in Command Candle Bearer.

“It was a deluge of saliva-coated lips. After a while [the parishioners] began to look like zombies, walking slowly, tripping over themselves as they reached out to touch and kiss the cross. But the accused is the best relic and cross wiper this side of the Mississippi. I wouldn’t have had anyone else standing by my side.”

Pastor of St. John the Baptist Catholic Church Fr. Thomas Winston confirmed that the altar server was “ under a lot of pressure,” but said there was no way “one of his guys” left a germ.

In a statement to the press this morning, Winston said, “All the altar servers were under a lot of pressure. The amount of pressure this time of the year is intense even for the most seasoned altar. With that said, we only recruit the best altar servers, and each of them undergo SEAL training just for this type of pressure.”

A statement from the diocese put out this morning asked that anyone who noticed that they had an itchy throat, cough, or fever after venerating that particular cross to get in contact with the diocese as soon as possible.