Woman Shocked To Learn Her Daughter Eloping In Vegas After Doing Nothing to Catechize Her

Image: Antoine Tavenaeux

Local Catholic Marissa Vaughan was saddened to learn this afternoon that her daughter had decided to elope in Las Vegas after years of not doing jack to catechize her.

In what came as a “complete and utter shock,” a tearful Vaughan told EOTT this morning that the decision was very much disappointing, especially considering how much money she and her husband spent on “Catholic school.”

“I’m not sure what happened. We made sure we took her to Mass on Christmas, Easter, and whenever Grandma was in town. She went to a Catholic school taught by liberal nuns. We gave her the pill instead of condoms as a teenager when she started sleeping with her boyfriend because we knew that the Church was against condoms. I’m not sure what else we could’ve done. Now Grandma’s upset that she’s getting married in Vegas and there’s really nothing we can do.”

Marissa Vaughan’s husband, Charles Vaughan, said that, though he hasn’t attended Mass in “God knows how long,” that he spends “a few seconds” during football commercial breaks to ask God to watch over his family.

“Yeah, I could go to Mass, but I don’t because I’m usually so tired. But then again, I could skip my little prayer I say for my family during commercials to go and crack open another beer, but I don’t. I wait until commercials are over. I guess I just hoped that teachers at St. Gertrude Catholic School would do their job and spiritually raise my children for me. They obviously failed and it looks like they’ll be the ones answering to God for this wedding fiasco.”

At press time, Charles Vaughan has just realized that he won’t have to pay for a wedding, so in the end, who gives a crap as long as she’s happy?