Traditionalist-Charismatic Catholic Believes Only Men Should Play Guitar During Mass

Local traditionalist-charismatic Catholic Keith Hubbard announced to friends late Monday night that he believed that, according to the ancient traditions of the charismatic Church, women should not be permitted to play the guitar during Mass.

“I think the Church’s insistence that only fingers belonging to a male ought to strum or pluck the strings of a guitar during Mass is a way of telling the faithful that the lead guitarist takes on a sort of in persona Haugen kinda role,” Hubbard told friends, going on to say that critics of an all-male “guitarhood” neglect the fact that famous Catholic musician John Michael Talbot is a male.

“We’ve also found that men tend to lose interest in the sacred art of praising Jesus via strings if women are also praising God in the same way. Remember, God made David and lyre, not Davina and lyre.”

But some of Hubbard’s fellow choir leaders disagree, such as Debra Barrymore, who recently told EOTT that allowing women to play the guitar was a “way of welcoming them to the fretboard of the Lord, of saying their calloused fingers have an important role in the playing of Here I Am Lord.”

“It’s just not right that only men should be the only ones to bore the living shit out of parishioners during Mass. Women are just as capable of boring the living shit out of people as do men, and we’re simply asking that we be given the same opportunities.”