Catholic Rock Band Not Surprised To Learn They’re Going Hell

Image: Feliciano Guimarães

Just days after completing their whirlwind three-parish praise and worship tour, Catholic rock band Smug Self-Righteous Gutter Trash were saddened, though not the least bit surprised, to find out they were all doomed to eternal hellfire for their music.

Gutter Trash lead singer Koby Doyle told EOTT this morning that he and his fellow bandmates learned of the news just after a concert when “the angel of the Lord appeared backstage.”

“He stood there for a while trying to be all stern and serious like angels are in the Bible, but you could see he was really struggling to keep a straight face,” Doyle said as he googled techniques on how to remove skinny jeans without having to use scissors. “His face was turning all red and he was sweating until we finally let him off the hook and told him we knew. He was all, ‘Thank my Boss, I thought I was gonna lose it there! So you know you’re going to spend the rest of eternity gnashing your teeth and rending your garments for this right?’ We all nodded.”

The angel also went on to tell members of Gutter Trash that the road to hell was paved with discarded picks from pretentious members of Christian rock bands.

“Oh yeah, it’s an ugly scene down there,” the angel reportedly told the band. “Picks and cans of hairspray everywhere. Listen, although I can’t do anything to help you fellas in regards to the gnashing of teeth, I’ll totally understand if it takes you all some time in the fires of hell to rend those tight pants you guys are wearing from off your flesh.”