As 2000th Anniversary of Pentecost Approaches, God Still Refuses to Clarify Ambiguous Passages of Scripture

Advocates of family values and traditional marriage spoke out today, demanding again that Jesus Christ clarify his words, “If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Lk 14:26).

“This wildly ambiguous remark can easily be taken as an attack on the institution of the family itself. We are gravely concerned that Jesus reckless and imprecise speech will be taken as the basis for attacks on the family and insist that Jesus is bound, under canon law, to anticipate and eliminate every conceivable way anybody throughout all of time and space might misunderstand and misapply his words,” said Raymond Spotcheck, leader of the Coalition to Defend the Church from Liberal Messiahs.

“And that’s just the start. I mean, what’s with the whole book of Revelation thing? What does that even mean? It’s bound to sow confusion and result in a ton of conflicting interpretations! And the parable of the dishonest steward? People are going to think you can get to heaven by cooking the books! Why does Jesus insist on using such vague language?”

Mr. Spotcheck also went on to deny allegations that he has been sowing dissent, saying, “Look, I’m not saying Jesus is a false teacher we all need to resist with every fiber of our being if we love our families and care about the truth. I’m just asking questions.”