Local Catholic Frustrated That No Woman On Catholic Match Pure Enough, Hot Enough To Consider

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Explaining the difficulties of finding a pure, near sinless, smoking hot blond on the dating site Catholic Match, local Catholic Devin Porter told friends late last night that he was considering giving up ever marrying.

“It’s sad that we live in a world where a devout and humble guy like me just can’t find the right girl,” said the 35-year-old bachelor, explaining how past relationships have always failed because the women either “had a past” or weren’t drop dead gorgeous. “Most of the time I’ll spot a girl on CM and they’re either not saint-like, or they don’t have that front-cover-of-Cosmo-magazine-physique look.”

“I once talked to a really pious girl on the site and everything was going great for a few months until I noticed one day while we were Skyping that she had this little pimple on her cheek,” Porter went on to say. “Needless to say, that relationship didn’t go anywhere. Thing is, if I’m gonna consider a girl, she needs to be a daily communicant so that she can inspire me to start attending Mass more than just on Christmas and Easter. Now, I do admit that I have a bit  of a promiscuous past, but that’s over with now. Whatever girl I accept has to be able to accept my past. With that said, I won’t consider a girl with a past of her own. That would be imprudent of me. Also, she needs to have that airbrushed look at all times, because I don’t wanna settle. God didn’t create us for mediocrity.”