Francis Declares Plane Interviews New Authoritative Form Of Magisterial Teaching

Pope Francis gave a press conference on his flight back to Rome Thursday, declaring that all interviews given aboard a plane would henceforth be declared infallible.

“I , the Supreme Pontiff, intend to affirm that all statements made aboard this or any plane I am on will, from this day forward, be considered doctrine, which is to be held definitively for all the people of the Church,” Francis said after delivering a lengthy speech about how “absolutely epic” the street tacos were in Mexico. “Since being on a plane brings us close to 45,000 feet closer to heaven, all that I say will be put forth infallibly by the ordinary and universal magisterium.”

Francis went on to say that, “when, henceforth, I make a pronouncement from the Seat of St. Peter, which will from now on be over in seat A3, every believer will be required to give firm and definitive assent to the truths I proclaim, including the kinda weird things, based on faith in the Holy Spirit’s assistance to the Church’s Magisterium in the sky.”

“If anyone shall say that any dogmas proposed by me at such heights must be given a meaning different from that which I meant, let him not only be anathema, but also let him be made to open the emergency door and to jump. Thereafter, in a show of God’s mercy, we shall toss a parachute out, and let he that was made anathema try to chase it in the air like Special Agent Johnny Utah in Point Break when he jumps out of the plane without a parachute and has to chase down Bodhi so he can use his parachute.”