“Yeah, You’re Going To Hell,” SSPX Priest Tells 12-Year-Old Penitent

Local Society of St. Pius X priest Father Marvin McDonald informed 12-year-old parishioner Timmy Seibel that he was, “without a doubt,” going to hell for hitting his sister, sources have confirmed.

The news came as Seibel confessed his sin of smacking his sister square in the face for taking one of his toys, Timmy’s mother Angela Seibel told EOTT shortly after her son’s worthless confession.

“At first glance, I admit, It does seem a bit excessive of a punishment, but Our Lord is good and vengeful,” McDonald told EOTT. “This post-Vatican II Church always wants focus on God’s goodness, but not his justice. And that’s just not right. In fact, his goodness and vengeance are so mystically intertwined that you can never really separate the two. Kinda like the two natures of Christ.”

Timmy Seibel later reported to EOTT that he’s been attending SSPX masses for as long as he’s been alive and that he knew well the consequences before he smacked his sister in the face.

“I deserve to go to hell just like Father McDonald told me. He also said that even if I was remorseful, that it didn’t much matter cause I was bound to sin and sin again.”

According to Seibel, McDonald informed him that it was not a matter of if he would end up in hell, but when and to what circle of hell he would end up burning in for all eternity.

“Listen,” McDonald went on to say, “If you want a silver lining in all this, just remember that Timmy won’t be gnashing his teeth and rending his garments alone. He’ll have close to 1 billion post-Vatican II Catholics going there to keep him company. Then again, they’ll probably be in a much crappier circle of hell than he’ll be in. SSPX hell is kinda like an airport VIP lounge, you know? It’s like, although you’d rather not be in an airport, at least you treated a little more decently.”

At press time, McDonald has excommunicated Angela Siebel for allowing her children to play with toys; a clear violation of SSPX rules and regulations.