Fox News Petitions Holy See For New Republican Rite

Fox News Channel has petitioned the Holy See for approval of a new Republican Rite of the Catholic Church, sources are confirming.

The Rite, which would be under the direct jurisdiction of the Primate of the Republican Party, His Holiness Patriarch Donald John Trump I, would be a self-governing church in, more or less, full communion with the Pope.

“As Patriarch and successor to Ronald Reagan, His Most Divine All-Holiness and Primus Inter Pares of the Grand Old Party, will have direct political and canonical authority over all regions within the walled country of the United States,” Fox spokesman Robert Talis announced. “We ask approval of the Holy See, that we can once and for all make official our standing as the official party of the Vatican in the United States.”

Talis went on to announce that the seat of the “Holy Mother Party” would be located in the Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington, D.C. He also announced that plans were already in place for the formation of a new Code of Canons for the rite, which would include sections titled, How To Handle Refugees That Wish To Enter the Rite and Ecumenism And How To Bomb The Crap Out Of Other Rites.

At press time, a spokesman for Trump says that plans are underway for a Jubilee Year, which would commence with ceremonious Closing of the Holy Door to pilgrims.