USCCB Approves Initiative To Round All Traditionally Built Churches By End Of Next Year

Members of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced that they have approved an initiative to “round out” all remaining traditionally built churches by the end of next year, USCCB secretary to the president bishop Jonathon Garner announced early this morning.

“This is a long time coming,” an ecstatic Garner told EOTT. “We’re excited to finally give all parishioners the opportunity to finally get more involved in the Mass.”

Garner also said that during the renovation, parishioners would be invited to “come together as one family by sitting around the altar,” which, he emphasized, was one of the most essential aspects of Mass participation.

“Christ did not ask the disciples to sit behind him or even in front of him during the Last Supper,”  Garner said. “No, he asked them to gather around the table, as we can clearly see in Leonardo di Vinci’s painting of the Last Supper. And by having them gather together, he was able to remind them of what clearly is most important part of the Mass: awkwardly staring at the person across the other end of the church for a full hour. I’m sorry, what did I just say? I meant ‘gathering together.’ Yeah, that’s it…gathering and stuff.”

The initiative also applies to Tridentine parishes where the priest is expected to say the Mass with his back facing the congregation. When asked how the “restructuring” could be done while still preserving the integrity of the Latin Mass, Garner suggested that the women simply turn their mantillas around until they completely covered their faces.

“That way, they can simply imagine the priest’s back is facing them, I don’t know…who cares? Bunch of freaks anyway. I’m sorry what did I just say? I meant ‘we’ll look into it.’”