Unbelievably Wealthy Parishioner Has Some Great Fundraising Ideas

Tampa Bay, FL–Edward Goodman, parishioner and parish council member at Our Lady of Grace in Tampa Bay, has some great ideas for fundraising, he is reporting. The parish is in need of a new air-conditioning system as well as a roof repair, according to the Pastor, Fr. Greg Nussbaum, whose total lifetime income will be a fraction of what Goodman makes in a year.

“I think we should definitely start the process by sending out a flyer to all parishioners explaining the problem with the roof,” Goodman said to the rest of the parish council. “I don’t think we need to explain the broken air conditioner. You can’t really miss that lately!”

“Then,” Goodman continued, as he reflected on the 8 apartment buildings he owns as well as the Bentley he drove to church in, “we can ask each family in the parish to donate 10 dollars. If they all donate, that’ll be enough to cover the air conditioner. I’ll be the first to donate to kick things off,” he said as he signed a check for 10 dollars.

The parish council continued to listen as Goodman unfolded his master plan. “We need a bake sale. Not one of those chinsy little ones they do over at St. Anastasia’s. I’m talking big time. We can use the church hall free of charge, and take out an ad in the Pennysaver to spread the word.”

As the parish council considered the bake sale idea proposed by the man who had just finished telling them about the Euro trip he took with his family for three weeks, and who had paid more in taxes last year than the rest of the parish council made in income combined, Goodman sat back, pondering the amount of grace he was receiving that very moment for the guidance he was providing the council free of charge.

The funds made by the bake sale would be increased, according to Goodman, by a car auction. “We get ourselves a Camry, and if we sell 1000 tickets at $100 apiece, that’ll cover the initial cost of the car and make us more than enough to fix the roof,” Goodman continued, apparently believing $100 to be a reasonable amount to charge for a raffle ticket, and seemingly unconscious of the fact that he basically made the amount needed for the roof and air-conditioning through stocks in the time it took him to explain his idea. “Heck,” he continued, “I’d buy a couple tickets myself maybe, just to show support.”

After their meeting, the parish council members spent some time chatting in the parking lot while Fr. Greg thanked Goodman for his great ideas and valuable contribution, which came in the form of warm carbon dioxide molecules issuing from his trachea.

At press time, Goodman is waving to the rest of the parish council from his Bentley as he drives away, his window down slightly, just a tiny bit, about the width of the eye of a needle.