The “Brown Note” Proven True Seconds After “Gather Us In” Begins

The infrasonic sound that some have said causes people to lose control of their bowels was proven true just seconds after the hymn Gather Us In began last Sunday.

Director of Acoustic Resonance and Church Worship at the Vatican Michelle Klinsmann said today that, although the frequency needed to hit the supposed brown note is said to be between 5 and 9 Hz, that the hymn Gather Us In “defied science.” 

“It was fascinating to see that before the church band even began to sing, that congregants were already beginning to show signs that the brown note had taken effect,” Klinsmann told EOTT. “There wasn’t even enough resonance, and yet, some were complaining of nausea while others later reported they had felt their blood pressure rising.”

“Once the band began singing, I looked at my husband, and he was becoming pale and clammy,” said 29-year-old Martha Bing. “Next thing I know, I was running to the restroom along side the entire congregation, including our pastor. It was uncontrollable. I just wanted to surrender so that they could just stop.”

Reports show that the brown note took hold of every single person in the church except for the band, who had reportedly built an immunity to the hymn.

“It’s true,” said Music Director Raymond Cleese. “Please excuse my language, but we crapped our selves for a good month rehearsing this song.”

“It’s really an interesting phenomena,” Klinsmann went on to say. “Every single time the hymn has been sung, people have lost control of their bowels. We just don’t hear about it because people are typically so embarrassed that they don’t say anything.”