A Catholic’s Guide To The World Cup

Spain:

Spain is currently the strongest team in world. This is largely due to the fact that 76% of the country consider themselves Catholic. Speed and agility is a trademark of the Spaniard and was best exhibited during the battle of Lepanto in October of 1571, commanded by Don John of Austria, the illegitimate son of the Holy Roman Emperor Charles I of Spain. They have been on an immense roll ever since their defeat of the Muslims and they show no signs of slowing down any time soon. In the last few centuries alone, Spain has won Euro 2008, the 2010 FIFA World Cup, the Inquisition, and the Euro 2012. We owe it to Spain to root for them.

Italy:

Italy might not be the most interesting team to watch, but their ability to speedily sign the cross while running onto the pitch cannot be taken for granted. Also, the bejeweled rosaries many of the players wear around their necks is a sure sign of their devotion to the Rosary. Right?

Brazil:

Brazil is ranked 18th in the current FIFA rankings, but that doesn’t mean they’re a walkover. Why? Because they have a 98-freaking-foot statue of Jesus overlooking the country. Seriously, 98 feet! And that’s not even taking into account the base he’s standing on. Add the base and you get like 120 feet. We can’t even get a two-foot plaque of the Ten Commandments here without a bunch of lawsuits for goodness sake! The Brazilian squad may shock the world if the Catholic players can manage to carry the load of the traitorous Protestant players. In the end, with Protestantism being the second most popular religion in the country and growing, who really cares how they do?

England:

England is the home of Steven Gerrard, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney, and Henry VIII. You remember him, right? So root for them and you root for Henry VIII and his successors as the head of the church in England. You also root for the death of St. Thomas More. Think you can live with that?

Germany:

The Germans are known for their flawless football as well as the heretic, Martin Luther. 30% of the country is Protestant Evangelical and another 30% is Roman Catholic. Catholic fans, therefore, should be wary about giving any more than 30% devotion to this team. The German national team have the capability of tearing into any defense just like they tore into the heart of Christendom in 1517. The Germans have only won the World Cup three times since the Reformation, a sure sign that God is still displeased with them.

France:

France enthusiasts have touted France to do considerably well in the 2014 World Cup after their disastrous showing at the French Revolution. While this might not be the squad that lifted the trophy led by the charismatic Zinedine Zidane, the team is not short of talent. With the lethal attacking combination of Paul Pogba and Franc Ribery, France is in prime position to make amends for the French Revolution that killed many innocent priests, as well as the cute little boy Gavroche Thenardier from Les Miserables.

Netherlands:

Are they called Netherlanders, Hollanders, or Dutch? No one knows. Their inability to have some order when it comes to what they are to be called should make any Catholic weary of rooting for them. As 1 Corinthians 14:33 says “God is not a God of disorder.”  Fans that don’t even know the proper name of the team their rooting for should reconsider. Nevertheless, their squad is led by Louis van Gaal and a host of world class players like Robin Van Persie, Rafael van de Vaart, and many other “van’s”.

Argentina:

Pope Francis is Argentinian. So, although you’re not obliged to root for them, you really shouldn’t root against them either. That is, of course, unless you’re some kinda SSPV freak or something. So you’re left with two options here. A: You cheer them on.  B: You admit that you hate Vatican II. So what’s it gonna be? You rooting for them? Don’t worry I won’t judge. Who am I to judge?

Portugal:

Are you kidding? Mary appeared here. Portugal to go all the way and tie versus Spain in the final. As a gift from God, both Portugal and Spain will be crowned 2014 World Cup Champions and will hoist the trophy in a show of solidarity with Holy Mother Church.

United States:

It would literally take every single person in the world, including non-Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, and Atheists, to get down on their knees and say the rosary non-stop for an entire week, for the US to have a chance to even get through the first stage of the World Cup. Sorry.