German “Bling” Bishop Asks Jesus What He Should Do That He May Have Everlasting Life

Limburg, Germany–Pope Francis has reportedly removed German Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, dubbed the “bling” bishop, for spending 43 million dollars renovating his home in Limburg, Germany.

Friends of the German Bishop told EOTT this morning that upon hearing the news, Tebartz-van Elst retired to his chapel where he proceeded to ask Jesus what he should do that he may have life everlasting. “Franz has been concerned about getting to heaven. He felt as though he had been keeping all of God’s commandments, so asked what else, if anything, he needed to do,” Tebartz-van Elst’s longtime secretary Olga Kopp reported. “Franz told me that the Lord told him that if he was to enter into life, that he needed to keep the commandments.”

Kopp told EOTT that Tebartz-van Elst went on to tell Jesus that he had kept all the commandments from his youth, and asked what else was yet wanting in him.

Notes from the German Bishop’s home recovered by EOTT details the exchange with Tebartz-van Elst and Jesus:

Dear Diary,

What a day, what a day. Hope yours was better than mine 🙂 Francis removed me from my post 🙁 I prayed to Jesus today, telling him that I’ve never murdered or stolen or committed adultery. But noooo, that apparently was not good enough for him. He said that if I was to be perfect, that I had to go sell my 43 million dollar home, give the money to the poor, and that I would have treasure in heaven. I must admit, when I heard this, I went away sad  for I have great possessions. Here’s the kicker, as I was walking out of the chapel, I swear that I heard him say that a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven, and that it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. Ouch. Must admit that that one cut me pretty good. Diary, sometimes I feel like you’re my only friend. Anyways, I’m tired. Must be off to Bedforshire. Hope tomorrow’s better.

p.s. Been trying to shove a baby camel I purchased this morning through the eye of a needle. The camel is bleeding and in much pain. Must take him to vet tomorrow.